What remains in the camera

My Sony T- 500 has done decently in recent months. It has recorded for me faces, pictures, vistas, events, people, the sun and the moon. All images were deleted after downloading onto the comps but these three posted here. As to why they remained, I haven't a clue. All I see in them is a common thread: They have been there in my life over the last three decades at least.

Apurva Kulkarni is one

Other is "Bhatti", distillery of Cashew Fenni.

And the third, my own face

These three have recurred in my life. Apurva was my classmate since 1979-80 till we finished from Baroda in 1988. Fenni, well, booze in g I have been drinking, and quite fondly too, since the age of 14 or 15. And as for my face, I have it since my birth on April 28Th 1963.

Retail brain and random thoughts

I wanted a limbu-soda, so I went to a shop. The young man manning it was a marwadi. I ordered my drink and as I was sipping it, a woman came with her daughter. She asked the man the rate of a certain snack. He told her the rate, but not for a kilo. "25 rs. quarter Kg" he said. I wondered why he'd told the woman the price of a quarter because, @25/qrt, 100 for a kg was not difficult math. Then I realized that by quoting the seemingly smaller price he had made his snack look affordable. That, I thought, was ingenious way of retailing.

***

Before getting into any hard core promotion of alternative technology and green peace and people for animals and anti tobacco lobbying, I would like to glimpse the far end of possibility through the eyes of the richest man in the world. Without that any effective lobbying is chimera, methinks.

***

Ganesh had to put up with quite some opposition from Aurovilians regarding his entry into A'ville. I was sympathetic without compromising on other fellow A'vilians' right to opinion. Finally, a week back, he was announced in the AV gazette as A'vilian. To him it means a lot to be an A'vilian. It means little to me whether I am an A'vilian or not. But I can share in his Joy. He bought me 'Carlsburg' pack of six beers! I was happy to drink beer with him. *** ...And a simple thing can have its own complications: Krishna, too, faced a similar situation and he too was announced in the same gazette, along with Ganesh. It was Krishna who had asked me out to dinner before Ganesh. I had excused then, promising him a 'someothertime' thing. Krishna came to know that I had accepted beer from Ganesh. He seemed hurt. So now I have to treat him to some such beer treat. He will insist on paying, but ...let's see. *** Yesterday was the 'thank you teachers' day, and Mir's class had gathered in the Tibetan pavilion with us parents to thank all teachers and dine together. Just before things commenced, I got a call from my sister in Goa. Thereafter I began forgetting my 'goodmanners' and my poise and smile. I became rather forlorn and lost. *** It is quite confusing why many of us accept the drawbacks of marriage. I wonder if it is not to justify freedom to have sex with more than one woman. An elderly American of Jewish origin told me that Hebrew faith accepts moving on in life with another woman after you have finished business with one. He clearly told me that the bases of that was a matter of fact acceptance of the biological necessity or need in a male to mate with as many females as he can. Judaism has accepted that and has given it a religious sanction. At least Donald thinks so. *** It is not altogether true that as a rule, in animal kingdom, males mate with different females. There are species of birds (albatross for eg. or penguins or Dolphin) which are monogamous. Albatross is faithful, and lives long. It has the same partner all through it's long life. ***

Time to go...

Well! Three months have passed since I am in Goa but now it is time to return To Auroville. I am not going to look back to take stock, but look ahead. The business that brought me to Goa has not ended- it has not in my entire lifetime so far- and I was not expecting to finish it in three months. yet, some clarity has been my gain on issues which were only confused and foggy earlier. Yet again, life has given me that chance to make a claim, go for the kill, or, FORGIVE. Forgiving comes easier to me. But that is hardly why one must forgive. I choose to forgive because the choice is money against man. Man is brother (in this case literally!), and I will not but choose brother. I am harassed with the Geeta and Krishna and Mahabharata. But I can not be Arjuna. I shall not be Arjuna. When I further look at it as The choice offered to me to become Arjuna, the ultimate Bhakta of the Lord, and whatever lakhs or crores or aukshinnies of glory, the thing gets very tempting but then I say, 'Hay Krishna, I do not want to be your SUPREME bhakta, just let my brother live a bit more...' What can He do then? Smile? Throw up His hands in disgust and walk away from me? Hell no, for He is Lord. He can not exist without me. He is my lover. He is the servant of love. And that is my gain. I do not want to BE Arjuna- that is a part of His Maya. I AM He for I can not BUT forgive. Please note that 'He' above is spelt with a capital H. It refers to the Lord and not my brother.

Caliban

On the night of opening performance of The Tempest By W. Shakespeare, Jill, our director, typically gave us actors a rose and a card each. She had written on mine: "I could not find a better Caliban!"-Not exactly a complement that, but Caliban held the crowd with his half bent body and his perverse way of being. There was a certain stink around me when I was there. Otto, Stephano, was great as usual. Nico did a great Trinculo. Relationships between characters are very important to bringing out the essence of a scene. When that happens, timing just works. And then there comes in a certain sense of rest that makes you 'relax' into the character you are portraying. This is a magical tip given to me by an experienced British actor, Norman Bowler, who lives with his lovely wife Diana, in Auroville.

Acting

I was wondering what it is that makes success of a play? Sensitive portrayal of characters, lighting, music etc are indeed factors which contribute immensely. But it is important to have no clashing objectives. It is important for an actor to understand the script. That is the beginning. The next thing for him to understand is the interpretation of the script by the director. It helps to compare your understanding with the director's. Any script can be interpreted differently while keeping the overarching intention of the playwright. When we did Moliere's Tartuffe for instance, Jill, the director wanted not the 18th century play. She wanted to refer to times we live in. She wanted Tartuffe to entertain us in our times rather than reconstruct Moliere's times. She wanted to interpret. When we performed, it was called Tartuffe Texas. It was largely set around the New Creation swimming pool in Auroville. I played Morgan and spoke American, southern accent. Americans who saw it told me that my accent was indeed southern American! The point here is that I tried to understand the script and Jill's objective behind interpreting Moliere. I was a foil to Jean Legrand who played Terry Tuff (Tartuffe). We worked a great relationship, I remember. It was done in 2005.

Sandesh

I met Sandesh today, my school buddy and my cricket team mate from school. He is the Police inspector in charge of Cuncolim precinct. We met at 4 p.m. ; a constable went to pick him up in a jeep, and when he entered the police station, I saw that many stood up to salute him- not all were police men. We sat in his office for long hours, then he phoned a friend and asked him to bring me to Benaulim where I am living at the moment. He drove with us. I could see that with elections at hand in the state, Police and general law & order arrangements needed to be tightened. As an officer in charge of quite a large area, he is certainly a busy man. But he came to drop me all the way to Benaulim from Cuncolim. That was his way of saying things he must find difficult to say in words. In whatever way he said it it felt good that he did not deprive me of his company for as long as he could give it. He told me what policing was all about. It is a thankless job. He said, nobody understand the number of crimes which are prevented because of the police. There was quite some time spent remembering the meandering lanes of Fontainhas, and the poverty we grew up in. We remembered together many of our mates. Many are still around, a few lost their lives, a couple others their minds.

I am tired

I am tired. I want to give up. But that can not be, for the ghosts follow you wherever you go. I have done that in the past. I have walked away from situations in order to enjoy irresponsible rest. I have managed to rest a bit, but it was not well earned rest. It was like a loan, something to be returned at some later date. The loan I had taken of rest has to be paid off now. I have to start paying off that loan just when my friends have started buying folding chairs and hammocks and fast cars with strong engines. And this feeling is so terrible, that when I hear good news I don't quite know my emotion to be joy, as I know joy. It is more like sadness that I feel on receiving good news. I hope that is not ill will. I hope that is not because I regret my choices.

***

1. I have put on weight. My old black pair of pantaloons grip me on the waist. They did not before, and, my swatch strap fits like a hand-cuff. It did not, in January, when I came to Goa from Auroville. Auroville!.. I say to folk who ask me questions like," what is better, Goa or Auroville?", that Auroville is 'home'. Is it really? What is 'home'? A few definitions right away before I lose them:

1. Home is where you live.
2. Home is where you feel 'at home'.
3. Home is where you are yourself.
4. Home is where you are happy.
5. Home is a house.
6. Home is a room or rooms where you store your belongings...
7. Home is where you live with your loved ones.

***

Yesterday, my son Mir said on the phone," I miss you Charu. I wish you were here." Those two sentences have/ had a great pull on me. If not for them, I am quite unsure why I should return 'home' to Auroville. And yet, Goa is not 'home' anymore. I experience a vacant sort of emotion, an empty feeling of incompleteness...WHERE IS HOME? I wish to go home, and never venture out in the world. *** I woke up this a.m. remembering a short story I wrote in my sleep. By the time I smoked my first cigarette, it had gone. similarly, I wrote four lines in my sleep the other day. I woke up and wrote them in a book I am reading:

• Treachery grows well in western soil,//

• Vengeance thrives in Asia & East, //

• The weed of pathos all over grows-//

• It thrives even in fallow fields

Don't know the poetic worth of those lines but they seem to qualify, metrically speaking.

Some observation about colour

• White is limitless. There is no ultimate white.
• Green is a whore!
• In yellow, Ochre has no shame; Lemon is impressionable, it is easily moved to pity. Chrome has a strong will, cadmium too, but the latter is friendlier. Gamboge had a sister who died of neffritis, so she wills upon herself that torment.
• Blue is an abandoned child: it demands things.
• Red is passionate, and agressive, and a show off. He loves himself.
• Black has no shame. He is a colour without upbringing. Black has no tact. ***

Watching geckos

I watch geckos sometimes. I remember I watched mating geckos in the summer of 1984-85. Thereafter I have watched them from time to time, not mating, but fighting, catching unsuspecting bugs and things, but the 1985 gecko watch was special. I had met this super fabulous girl, and that evening we were in her sisters place, lying on sofa talking sweet nothings. On the ceiling was slithering a pair of geckos. One was running away, the other chasing. Whenever the pursuer reached within reach, he would raise himself. He would sort of stalk-crawl, the tail twitching in a strangely creepy way. And his pores would enlarge, and give his tail a spiky appearance. They looked ugly, but I was looking at them without detachment. If I had that detachment, perhaps I would see a masculine, desirable male. At some point he mounted. That too was very violent. He had caught the female by her neck and then they both shuddered for a while. After that the female had become a bit slower in her movements. I have seen chipmunks mating too. There was much commotion in the cage where they were captives. Then there was mounting and a super fast shaking of the hind quarters. I think these creatures mate many times while the heat is on. It is amazing how wonderful this thing is, this sex gratification. It is a wonderful design, the male-female union. I want to see how camels do it. Camels, as far as I know have their male sex organ pointing in the wrong direction. For instance, when a male camel pees, the liquid squirts out through his hind legs. I have seen a Ron Whitaker video of a king cobra mating. I have probably seen all the BBC docus on animals and birds. I love animals. But I can not fuss over mongrels and strays. I don't pelt stones at them nor do I treat them.